Un-Re-Inventing Myself

I’ve been thinking a lot about self re-invention lately. Madonna’s famous for it. Maybe you’ve tried it. And for me? It’s been a life-long burden. I always wanted to re-invent myself, become a better version of me. Every new school year was a chance to change how I dressed, how I acted, how everyone would see me. My motto was essentially “Maybe I’ll be this type of person now!” Going to college was a big chance for re-invention, which pretty much failed because I made no friends and college sucked. Moving to LA was my biggest chance for reinvention, which went terribly because my first year in LA sucked really hard and I just got super depressed and had a terrible eating disorder. Because here’s the thing I realized – I CAN’T BE A DIFFERENT PERSON. I try to be a different person and eventually that fails because of course it does. And then I feel like a failure. And I wallow in that shit for a while and then I try again.

I’m done. I am done reinventing myself. I don’t want to be a different type of person. I’m not going to be the type of person who wears size 0 pants or golfs or wears heels every day. I don’t wear all black or look like Sofia Vergara. I don’t wake up early, I’m not a minimalist, I’m not serious. I don’t want to be cooler or sexier or cuter than I really am. I want to be me. There are so many pictures of me where I don’t really see myself. Ones where I’m sulking and wearing a black hoodie, or I dyed my hair blonde, or I’m too skinny, or I’m covered in too much makeup. Or where I can tell that I was JUST FUCKING FAKING IT.

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This is me at my college graduation. I just don’t see ME here. I’m too skinny. I wasn’t happy.

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This is me dressing up for New Years Eve, going to a BIG HOLLYWOOD PARTY! I felt really fat. None of this is me. This sucks.

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I think I look pretty in this picture, but it doesn’t look like me.

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This doesn’t look like me, either. I look like I’m trying to be Salma Hayek. I’m not Salma Hayek.

Here are some pictures I love because I just see ME in them:

 

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And here’s me from today:

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I don’t necessarily know who I am yet. But I don’t want to try and figure out who I WANT to be, I want to find the things that were good about me all along. Playing pretend is fun, but you have to have a self to come home to.